Ten Commandments for Zoo Keepers Part 2

In Part 1 of this series we confirmed your suspicions that you are indeed parenting a brain damaged teenager. No, it’s not a result of too much Red Bull and PlayStation, although that might explain other things. Dr. Michael Bradley, author of Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy! has reviewed the scientific research on the developmental changes in the adolescent brain and he confirms the theory you’ve had for years…that your teen has Silly Putty for a brain. Actually, your teenage alien from outer space is just temporarily brain-damaged. Yes, temporarily brain-damaged. But before you are tempted to perform a frontal lobotomy on your son or daughter, check out Bradley’s book for some insights and practical helps that don’t involve surgery.

Bradley offers 10 Commandments for Parents of Teens and a few are summarized in our series.

#3 Speak Thou Wisely and Do Not Shout

* Use fewer words in shorter sentences. The more you talk the less they listen. I was explaining this to one parent and I said, “When you’re lecturing your son you have to understand that his glass eventually gets full of your words and when it tops out then almost everything else is overflow and spill.” The response: “Well, then he better just get a bucket instead of a cup.” It doesn’t happen often but sometimes as a therapist I’m just speechless.

* Don’t repeat yourself. Don’t repeat yourself. Don’t repeat yourself. Sometimes we make our points as though they are race cars on an oval track. Just in case Trevor missed my brilliant insight or clear ultimatum on the first lap I’ll send it around a few more times for his benefit.

* Lower your voice. I tell married couples and parents there is no need to yell unless the house is on fire. I’m trying to remember a Clint Eastwood film in which his character yells. Eastwood doesn’t have to yell. His low growl is spooky enough. I sorta like it. I know Eastwood is usually carrying a gun which certainly adds to the effectiveness of his persuasion, but I don’t recommend that.

I’ve said it before—a yelling/screaming contest is a lose-lose proposition. And if you have to rant and yell to show who is in charge, then guess what? You’re not. It’s like what John Maxwell said about leadership: “If you have to keep telling people that you’re the leader, then you’re not. If you must constantly remind others who is in charge, then it’s not you.” Remember that to a child an out-of-control parent is frightening. To a teen the wild parent may be somewhat scary, but is mostly amusing, which is probably not the effect you were shooting for.

* Resist diagnosing your teen. This usually begins with the exasperated parent saying, “Do you know what your problem is? Well, I’ll tell you! You’re just …..” and the statement concludes with a negative all-encompassing diagnosis of either character, motives, mental health, maturity, or inherited traits from your spouse’s side of the family. “Your problem is that you don’t care about anybody but yourself. You’re just like your Dad.” Even if you are absolutely convinced that your diagnosis is 100% accurate, it will only increase your teen’s defensiveness. By the way, spouses don’t like being diagnosed either. Do you?

* Avoid name-calling and labeling. There is a shade of difference between this and diagnosing. Here you don’t sound like an amateur psychologist, just a frustrated parent & critical judge. Name-calling involves nouns. You dress like a tramp. You’re nothing but a goof-off. How could you have been such an idiot?Labeling uses adjectives such as stupid, lazy, careless, irresponsible, worthless, selfish, etc. It may seem like splitting hairs to you but confronting a selfish behavior is different than pronouncing someone to be utterly selfish. Forgetting an assignment does not qualify a kid as being stupid.