* No winter lasts forever and no spring skips its turn. Says the Psalmist, “Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5) Not that crisis is overturned or grief completed literally overnight, but our hope during the dark nights of the soul is that morning will come, that winter must give way to spring. When we lived in West Palm Beach, FL I missed the four seasons. There’s something about the seasonal transitions that reminds you that life reflected in God’s design of nature operates in stages and cycles. Sometimes the only thing we’ve the strength or faith to muster is putting one foot in front of another till we look up one morning and find ourselves in a new day and a new place.
*Couples often get stuck in mutual blame. Mutual finger-pointing and blaming is the byproduct of being more anxious to confess our spouse’s sin than our own. Jesus warned us that it would be hard to see the speck of sawdust in our partner’s eye when we have the Daytona boardwalk protruding from our own cornea. Where I see couples make breakthroughs is the moment when at least one partner acknowledges his/her contribution to the problem. Every couple enters my office convinced that they’re sitting beside the real reason they are in counseling. When a husband and wife both humble themselves and take ownership of their own attitude, behavior, and speech, that is when they break the log jam. Yes, the one in their eyes too.
* Failure is not humbling; grace is humbling. The corresponding shame & guilt from sin or failure deliver humiliation, not humility. It is the experience of grace that truly humbles us.
* Most couples have a hot button topic or sensitive issue. This is the place where almost all arguments that last longer than 20 minutes eventually wind up. It’s like the argument has a GPS system and will ultimately find its way to the touchy theme even if it takes the scenic route to do it. The couple’s remarkable ability in this reminds me of those occasional stories of lost dogs who miraculously find their way home despite being misplaced on another continent. This expert navigation skill means there is an unresolved issue and/or an unforgiven grudge. Until it is effectively addressed, it will come out of retirement more often than Brett Favre.
* Perhaps the greatest impediment and saboteur of the joyful life and the fulfilling relationships God offers and desires for us is Resentment. Number two is probably Fear. Bitterness and the rehearsal of offenses are toxic to the soul and to relationships. Fear causes us to shrink ourselves, thus forcing us to settle for small lives, miniature goals, and tiny joys.
* Every engaged or newlywed couple believes that they are THE exceptional couple--the soaring romance, the supreme marriage to which all others, current and future, will be compared. But believing you are exceptional does not make you so. Exceptional couples do what ordinary couples do not KNOW to do or are UNWILLING to do. So, what are you doing differently and better than the average couple?... keeping in mind that the average American couple will be divorced within 7 years of the wedding of the century.
* When you know that you are loved, you can handle almost anything. No manner of success fills in the void left by love. But many loved failures have found the strength to fight another day.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Marriage and the Six Thinking Hats Part 2
Marriage and the Six Thinking Hats Part 2: Yellow Fever
In my last column I introduced you to a new of understanding and choosing your responses to your spouse. In thinking about the different personality types and communication styles typically found on any corporate staff or team, Dr. Edward de Bono discovered that such a group includes wearers of Six Hats, noting the symbolism and meaning of their colors. (Six Thinking Hats, Back Bay Books, 1999)
White Hat: This hat represents neutral and objective thinking, concerned with facts & figures
Red Hat: The red hat symbolizes the intuitive, emotional response.
Black Hat: This wearer is careful and cautious, even skeptical, the devil’s advocate.
Yellow Hat: The person under the yellow hat is sunny and positive about most ideas.
Green Hat: This fashion statement and thinking style is all about fertile growth, creativity, new ideas.
Blue Hat: Like the color of the sky which hovers above everything else, this is the organizer, synthesizer, and manager of the other five approaches, guides group toward consensus.
In the last column we noted that too often we respond to a spouse’s idea, plan, opinion, or proposal with the Black Hat. We respond with a clearly negative statement voicing what we don’t like about the idea, what’s wrong with it, why it won’t work, etc. Or we make an implied negative comment with the question, “Why do you want to do that.” That question is not an invitation to share or explain, it’s a warning to defend yourself and your idea. Note that as parents we are prone to wearing the Black Hat a lot.
You are likely thinking, “Does this mean I have to enthusiastically agree with and endorse every lame idea, bad decision, and poorly thought-through plan my spouse comes up with?” No, that would be only wearing or excessively donning the Yellow Hat. Yellow Hatters can be so positive and optimistic that they can be naïve in their evaluations. Quite frankly, too many small businesses fail in the first year because the business plan was poor or the plan was exposed to only Red, Yellow, and Green Hat people. “Oh, that’s a great idea, go for it,” they say. We need White Hat (neutral & objective thinking) and Black Hat (critical and even skeptical) commentators speaking into our deliberations before we put our financial security at stake with a “can’t miss business opportunity.” I’m a Green Hat guy by nature but somebody in our community needs to have the courage to put on the Black Hat and say that are locations in Spring Hill that are a Bermuda Triangle for businesses. Several new launches have gone into the exact same locations where multiple storefronts before them disappeared into the abyss. Who is telling these wide-eyed entrepreneurs the truth about the viability of their venture? Family? Friends? The banker? The realtor? Everyone wants to be supportive, but no one has anything to LOSE if the business fails except the owner and his family.
Here’s the bottom line. We all need wise and caring people who wear the White Hat and/or the Black Hat. We just need them to refrain from LAUNCHING the first very comments from total objectivity or skepticism and we need them not to EXCLUSIVELY speak from under those hats. Everyone in close relationship with you (spouse, children, friends, co-workers, employees, etc.) desires and deserves for you to listen and seek to understand them before making critical judgments. You desire the same.
To sit on your Black Hat for an initial response to an idea or request does not mean you have to fake a smile with your big Yellow Hat on and give two thumbs-up to a proposal that has disaster written all over it. Apart from obvious exceptions, (“Mom, can I jump off the roof onto the trampoline?”) it often just means to listen and invite your spouse ( or child ) to explore and elaborate on their thoughts before weighing in with your evaluation, positive or negative. If right now you’re dismissing this with all the reasons why this won’t work with your family…guess what color chapeau you are wearing?
In my last column I introduced you to a new of understanding and choosing your responses to your spouse. In thinking about the different personality types and communication styles typically found on any corporate staff or team, Dr. Edward de Bono discovered that such a group includes wearers of Six Hats, noting the symbolism and meaning of their colors. (Six Thinking Hats, Back Bay Books, 1999)
White Hat: This hat represents neutral and objective thinking, concerned with facts & figures
Red Hat: The red hat symbolizes the intuitive, emotional response.
Black Hat: This wearer is careful and cautious, even skeptical, the devil’s advocate.
Yellow Hat: The person under the yellow hat is sunny and positive about most ideas.
Green Hat: This fashion statement and thinking style is all about fertile growth, creativity, new ideas.
Blue Hat: Like the color of the sky which hovers above everything else, this is the organizer, synthesizer, and manager of the other five approaches, guides group toward consensus.
In the last column we noted that too often we respond to a spouse’s idea, plan, opinion, or proposal with the Black Hat. We respond with a clearly negative statement voicing what we don’t like about the idea, what’s wrong with it, why it won’t work, etc. Or we make an implied negative comment with the question, “Why do you want to do that.” That question is not an invitation to share or explain, it’s a warning to defend yourself and your idea. Note that as parents we are prone to wearing the Black Hat a lot.
You are likely thinking, “Does this mean I have to enthusiastically agree with and endorse every lame idea, bad decision, and poorly thought-through plan my spouse comes up with?” No, that would be only wearing or excessively donning the Yellow Hat. Yellow Hatters can be so positive and optimistic that they can be naïve in their evaluations. Quite frankly, too many small businesses fail in the first year because the business plan was poor or the plan was exposed to only Red, Yellow, and Green Hat people. “Oh, that’s a great idea, go for it,” they say. We need White Hat (neutral & objective thinking) and Black Hat (critical and even skeptical) commentators speaking into our deliberations before we put our financial security at stake with a “can’t miss business opportunity.” I’m a Green Hat guy by nature but somebody in our community needs to have the courage to put on the Black Hat and say that are locations in Spring Hill that are a Bermuda Triangle for businesses. Several new launches have gone into the exact same locations where multiple storefronts before them disappeared into the abyss. Who is telling these wide-eyed entrepreneurs the truth about the viability of their venture? Family? Friends? The banker? The realtor? Everyone wants to be supportive, but no one has anything to LOSE if the business fails except the owner and his family.
Here’s the bottom line. We all need wise and caring people who wear the White Hat and/or the Black Hat. We just need them to refrain from LAUNCHING the first very comments from total objectivity or skepticism and we need them not to EXCLUSIVELY speak from under those hats. Everyone in close relationship with you (spouse, children, friends, co-workers, employees, etc.) desires and deserves for you to listen and seek to understand them before making critical judgments. You desire the same.
To sit on your Black Hat for an initial response to an idea or request does not mean you have to fake a smile with your big Yellow Hat on and give two thumbs-up to a proposal that has disaster written all over it. Apart from obvious exceptions, (“Mom, can I jump off the roof onto the trampoline?”) it often just means to listen and invite your spouse ( or child ) to explore and elaborate on their thoughts before weighing in with your evaluation, positive or negative. If right now you’re dismissing this with all the reasons why this won’t work with your family…guess what color chapeau you are wearing?
Marriage and the Six Thinking Hats Part 1
Marriage and the Six Thinking Hats Part 1: The Black Plague
Dr. Edward de Bono, a Rhodes scholar at Oxford and a faculty member of Harvard and Cambridge has the intellectual ability to communicate so far over my head that I can’t see the surface. But as an international expert in the field of business communication he likes to keep things simple because he reasons that if concepts and principles are not understood then they are useless. In thinking about the different personality types and communication styles typically found on any corporate staff or team, de Bono discovered that such a group includes wearers of 6 hats, noting the symbolism and meaning of their colors. (Six Thinking Hats, Back Bay Books, 1999)
For our purposes imagine that a team member presents a marketing idea which has significant time, money, energy, and personnel implications. (Note that a spouse’s proposal of a week-long family vacation brings these same four variables into play). In the above scenario there will be least six different roles and responses to the marketing proposal presented to the team.
White Hat: This hat represents neutral & objective thinking, concerned with facts and figures
Red Hat: The red hat symbolizes the intuitive, emotional response.
Black Hat: This wearer is careful and cautious, even skeptical, the devil’s advocate.
Yellow Hat: The person under the yellow hat is sunny and positive about most ideas.
Green Hat: This fashion statement and thinking style is all about fertile growth, creativity, new ideas.
Blue Hat: Like the color of the sky which hovers above everything else, this is the organizer, synthesizer, and manager of the other five approaches, guides group toward consensus.
What in the world does this have to do with marriage? Namely this, that in my therapy practice I witness too much black hat thinking and black hat response. Spouses often anticipate that the first response to an expressed idea or plan is going to be negative.
Two Examples:
“What do you think about going to the beach Memorial weekend?”
“Are you crazy? The whole world goes to the beach that weekend.”
"I’m thinking about picking up a few courses so I can complete my certification." “We can’t afford it; besides when are you gonna have time to study?”
The habitual black hat wearer is color blind and thinks his hat is white. He believes his responses show objective thinking, that he is merely stating facts and reality. He doesn’t realize that black hat thinking actually has its place in a relationship and in a discussion/decision but that TIMING is everything. To lead out with a negative, critical, or dismissive statement is a both a discussion killer and morale deflator. It also makes the spouse increasingly resentful or at least reluctant in the future to share ideas, opinions, or plans. Said one husband, “I know she’s gonna just shoot my idea down like a clay pigeon so I don’t say anything.”
Black hatters are prone to thinking that if they don’t put down spike strips and a road block that they are giving you a green light on a paved road to destruction. Some, not all, black hatters are just chronically negative and will find a list of things wrong with heaven when they get there. I don’t have any easy solutions to living with a chronic naysayer, cynic, or whiner. You could try ear plugs.
Sometimes one of the best gifts you can give your spouse is to listen to him/her without questioning his judgment or picking apart her logic. Relax, he’s not going to quit his job tomorrow, auction off the farm so he can sell Beanie Babies on e-Bay. More about the Six Thinking Hats next time.
Dr. Edward de Bono, a Rhodes scholar at Oxford and a faculty member of Harvard and Cambridge has the intellectual ability to communicate so far over my head that I can’t see the surface. But as an international expert in the field of business communication he likes to keep things simple because he reasons that if concepts and principles are not understood then they are useless. In thinking about the different personality types and communication styles typically found on any corporate staff or team, de Bono discovered that such a group includes wearers of 6 hats, noting the symbolism and meaning of their colors. (Six Thinking Hats, Back Bay Books, 1999)
For our purposes imagine that a team member presents a marketing idea which has significant time, money, energy, and personnel implications. (Note that a spouse’s proposal of a week-long family vacation brings these same four variables into play). In the above scenario there will be least six different roles and responses to the marketing proposal presented to the team.
White Hat: This hat represents neutral & objective thinking, concerned with facts and figures
Red Hat: The red hat symbolizes the intuitive, emotional response.
Black Hat: This wearer is careful and cautious, even skeptical, the devil’s advocate.
Yellow Hat: The person under the yellow hat is sunny and positive about most ideas.
Green Hat: This fashion statement and thinking style is all about fertile growth, creativity, new ideas.
Blue Hat: Like the color of the sky which hovers above everything else, this is the organizer, synthesizer, and manager of the other five approaches, guides group toward consensus.
What in the world does this have to do with marriage? Namely this, that in my therapy practice I witness too much black hat thinking and black hat response. Spouses often anticipate that the first response to an expressed idea or plan is going to be negative.
Two Examples:
“What do you think about going to the beach Memorial weekend?”
“Are you crazy? The whole world goes to the beach that weekend.”
"I’m thinking about picking up a few courses so I can complete my certification." “We can’t afford it; besides when are you gonna have time to study?”
The habitual black hat wearer is color blind and thinks his hat is white. He believes his responses show objective thinking, that he is merely stating facts and reality. He doesn’t realize that black hat thinking actually has its place in a relationship and in a discussion/decision but that TIMING is everything. To lead out with a negative, critical, or dismissive statement is a both a discussion killer and morale deflator. It also makes the spouse increasingly resentful or at least reluctant in the future to share ideas, opinions, or plans. Said one husband, “I know she’s gonna just shoot my idea down like a clay pigeon so I don’t say anything.”
Black hatters are prone to thinking that if they don’t put down spike strips and a road block that they are giving you a green light on a paved road to destruction. Some, not all, black hatters are just chronically negative and will find a list of things wrong with heaven when they get there. I don’t have any easy solutions to living with a chronic naysayer, cynic, or whiner. You could try ear plugs.
Sometimes one of the best gifts you can give your spouse is to listen to him/her without questioning his judgment or picking apart her logic. Relax, he’s not going to quit his job tomorrow, auction off the farm so he can sell Beanie Babies on e-Bay. More about the Six Thinking Hats next time.
Ten Commandments for Zoo Keepers Part 2
In Part 1 of this series we confirmed your suspicions that you are indeed parenting a brain damaged teenager. No, it’s not a result of too much Red Bull and PlayStation, although that might explain other things. Dr. Michael Bradley, author of Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy! has reviewed the scientific research on the developmental changes in the adolescent brain and he confirms the theory you’ve had for years…that your teen has Silly Putty for a brain. Actually, your teenage alien from outer space is just temporarily brain-damaged. Yes, temporarily brain-damaged. But before you are tempted to perform a frontal lobotomy on your son or daughter, check out Bradley’s book for some insights and practical helps that don’t involve surgery.
Bradley offers 10 Commandments for Parents of Teens and a few are summarized in our series.
#3 Speak Thou Wisely and Do Not Shout
* Use fewer words in shorter sentences. The more you talk the less they listen. I was explaining this to one parent and I said, “When you’re lecturing your son you have to understand that his glass eventually gets full of your words and when it tops out then almost everything else is overflow and spill.” The response: “Well, then he better just get a bucket instead of a cup.” It doesn’t happen often but sometimes as a therapist I’m just speechless.
* Don’t repeat yourself. Don’t repeat yourself. Don’t repeat yourself. Sometimes we make our points as though they are race cars on an oval track. Just in case Trevor missed my brilliant insight or clear ultimatum on the first lap I’ll send it around a few more times for his benefit.
* Lower your voice. I tell married couples and parents there is no need to yell unless the house is on fire. I’m trying to remember a Clint Eastwood film in which his character yells. Eastwood doesn’t have to yell. His low growl is spooky enough. I sorta like it. I know Eastwood is usually carrying a gun which certainly adds to the effectiveness of his persuasion, but I don’t recommend that.
I’ve said it before—a yelling/screaming contest is a lose-lose proposition. And if you have to rant and yell to show who is in charge, then guess what? You’re not. It’s like what John Maxwell said about leadership: “If you have to keep telling people that you’re the leader, then you’re not. If you must constantly remind others who is in charge, then it’s not you.” Remember that to a child an out-of-control parent is frightening. To a teen the wild parent may be somewhat scary, but is mostly amusing, which is probably not the effect you were shooting for.
* Resist diagnosing your teen. This usually begins with the exasperated parent saying, “Do you know what your problem is? Well, I’ll tell you! You’re just …..” and the statement concludes with a negative all-encompassing diagnosis of either character, motives, mental health, maturity, or inherited traits from your spouse’s side of the family. “Your problem is that you don’t care about anybody but yourself. You’re just like your Dad.” Even if you are absolutely convinced that your diagnosis is 100% accurate, it will only increase your teen’s defensiveness. By the way, spouses don’t like being diagnosed either. Do you?
* Avoid name-calling and labeling. There is a shade of difference between this and diagnosing. Here you don’t sound like an amateur psychologist, just a frustrated parent & critical judge. Name-calling involves nouns. You dress like a tramp. You’re nothing but a goof-off. How could you have been such an idiot?Labeling uses adjectives such as stupid, lazy, careless, irresponsible, worthless, selfish, etc. It may seem like splitting hairs to you but confronting a selfish behavior is different than pronouncing someone to be utterly selfish. Forgetting an assignment does not qualify a kid as being stupid.
Bradley offers 10 Commandments for Parents of Teens and a few are summarized in our series.
#3 Speak Thou Wisely and Do Not Shout
* Use fewer words in shorter sentences. The more you talk the less they listen. I was explaining this to one parent and I said, “When you’re lecturing your son you have to understand that his glass eventually gets full of your words and when it tops out then almost everything else is overflow and spill.” The response: “Well, then he better just get a bucket instead of a cup.” It doesn’t happen often but sometimes as a therapist I’m just speechless.
* Don’t repeat yourself. Don’t repeat yourself. Don’t repeat yourself. Sometimes we make our points as though they are race cars on an oval track. Just in case Trevor missed my brilliant insight or clear ultimatum on the first lap I’ll send it around a few more times for his benefit.
* Lower your voice. I tell married couples and parents there is no need to yell unless the house is on fire. I’m trying to remember a Clint Eastwood film in which his character yells. Eastwood doesn’t have to yell. His low growl is spooky enough. I sorta like it. I know Eastwood is usually carrying a gun which certainly adds to the effectiveness of his persuasion, but I don’t recommend that.
I’ve said it before—a yelling/screaming contest is a lose-lose proposition. And if you have to rant and yell to show who is in charge, then guess what? You’re not. It’s like what John Maxwell said about leadership: “If you have to keep telling people that you’re the leader, then you’re not. If you must constantly remind others who is in charge, then it’s not you.” Remember that to a child an out-of-control parent is frightening. To a teen the wild parent may be somewhat scary, but is mostly amusing, which is probably not the effect you were shooting for.
* Resist diagnosing your teen. This usually begins with the exasperated parent saying, “Do you know what your problem is? Well, I’ll tell you! You’re just …..” and the statement concludes with a negative all-encompassing diagnosis of either character, motives, mental health, maturity, or inherited traits from your spouse’s side of the family. “Your problem is that you don’t care about anybody but yourself. You’re just like your Dad.” Even if you are absolutely convinced that your diagnosis is 100% accurate, it will only increase your teen’s defensiveness. By the way, spouses don’t like being diagnosed either. Do you?
* Avoid name-calling and labeling. There is a shade of difference between this and diagnosing. Here you don’t sound like an amateur psychologist, just a frustrated parent & critical judge. Name-calling involves nouns. You dress like a tramp. You’re nothing but a goof-off. How could you have been such an idiot?Labeling uses adjectives such as stupid, lazy, careless, irresponsible, worthless, selfish, etc. It may seem like splitting hairs to you but confronting a selfish behavior is different than pronouncing someone to be utterly selfish. Forgetting an assignment does not qualify a kid as being stupid.
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