Marriage and the Six Thinking Hats Part 1

Marriage and the Six Thinking Hats Part 1: The Black Plague

Dr. Edward de Bono, a Rhodes scholar at Oxford and a faculty member of Harvard and Cambridge has the intellectual ability to communicate so far over my head that I can’t see the surface. But as an international expert in the field of business communication he likes to keep things simple because he reasons that if concepts and principles are not understood then they are useless. In thinking about the different personality types and communication styles typically found on any corporate staff or team, de Bono discovered that such a group includes wearers of 6 hats, noting the symbolism and meaning of their colors. (Six Thinking Hats, Back Bay Books, 1999)

For our purposes imagine that a team member presents a marketing idea which has significant time, money, energy, and personnel implications. (Note that a spouse’s proposal of a week-long family vacation brings these same four variables into play). In the above scenario there will be least six different roles and responses to the marketing proposal presented to the team.

White Hat: This hat represents neutral & objective thinking, concerned with facts and figures
Red Hat: The red hat symbolizes the intuitive, emotional response.
Black Hat: This wearer is careful and cautious, even skeptical, the devil’s advocate.
Yellow Hat: The person under the yellow hat is sunny and positive about most ideas.
Green Hat: This fashion statement and thinking style is all about fertile growth, creativity, new ideas.
Blue Hat: Like the color of the sky which hovers above everything else, this is the organizer, synthesizer, and manager of the other five approaches, guides group toward consensus.

What in the world does this have to do with marriage? Namely this, that in my therapy practice I witness too much black hat thinking and black hat response. Spouses often anticipate that the first response to an expressed idea or plan is going to be negative.

Two Examples:

“What do you think about going to the beach Memorial weekend?”
“Are you crazy? The whole world goes to the beach that weekend.”

"I’m thinking about picking up a few courses so I can complete my certification." “We can’t afford it; besides when are you gonna have time to study?”

The habitual black hat wearer is color blind and thinks his hat is white. He believes his responses show objective thinking, that he is merely stating facts and reality. He doesn’t realize that black hat thinking actually has its place in a relationship and in a discussion/decision but that TIMING is everything. To lead out with a negative, critical, or dismissive statement is a both a discussion killer and morale deflator. It also makes the spouse increasingly resentful or at least reluctant in the future to share ideas, opinions, or plans. Said one husband, “I know she’s gonna just shoot my idea down like a clay pigeon so I don’t say anything.”

Black hatters are prone to thinking that if they don’t put down spike strips and a road block that they are giving you a green light on a paved road to destruction. Some, not all, black hatters are just chronically negative and will find a list of things wrong with heaven when they get there. I don’t have any easy solutions to living with a chronic naysayer, cynic, or whiner. You could try ear plugs.

Sometimes one of the best gifts you can give your spouse is to listen to him/her without questioning his judgment or picking apart her logic. Relax, he’s not going to quit his job tomorrow, auction off the farm so he can sell Beanie Babies on e-Bay. More about the Six Thinking Hats next time.