Have you lost your mind?
(No, the child is just brain damaged.)
How many times have I told you that homework comes before PlayStation?
(It doesn’t matter; your child is deaf.)
How could you not see these clothes all over the floor?
(It’s a common problem associated with total blindness.)
Did you not take into account how your sister might feel about that?
(You are kidding, right?)
If you are the parent of a teenager, my heart goes out to you. If you are currently parenting two or more teenagers you have our sympathy and our prayers, although what you’d probably find more helpful is a one-way ticket to Cozumel. Dr. Michael Bradley, author of Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy! reviews the scientific research on the developmental changes in the adolescent brain and confirms the suspicion you’ve had for years: Yes, your teen is nuts! More accurately, your teen monster is temporarily brain-damaged. Yes, temporarily brain-damaged. There are profound and numerous implications of that neurological fact, and Bradley explores those in practical and humorous ways in a very user-friendly book.
Dr. Bradley offers 10 Commandments for Zoo Keepers… I mean, Parents of Teens. The author encourages parents to remember that learning any new skill (sport, hobby, musical instrument, etc.) is a process of practice, evaluation, correction, and more practice.
1. Thou Shalt Be as the Dispassionate Cop
There are two kinds of cops who issue tickets for speeding or running stop signs. The first is angry, sarcastic, and bullying, is open to no explanations or discussion. Writes the ticket and almost dares you to protest lest you suddenly find yourself an unfortunate character in a Stephen King story. The second cop is respectful, calm, and seems almost sympathetic. You still receive a ticket and fine but he doesn’t seem to delight in it the way Robo- cop does.
What’s your focus in the episode with the first cop? His behavior. Your crime was exceeding 35mph but now you are plotting murder because of how you were treated. The calmer cop’s behavior prompts you to focus more on your driving behavior.
It is unrealistic that you are going to be an emotionless Spock in the midst of a tussle with a belligerent or furious teen, but how often have you heard yourself yell, “Don’t raise your voice at me, young man!” Oh, the irony. And here’s the other shoe: we often expect a greater degree of emotional maturity and self-control from a child or adolescent than we require from ourselves. I’ve often caught myself in my 40’s acting like a child while insisting that my pre-teen or teen behave like a seasoned adult.
I Can Out-Shout You
Like the first cop, you can flaunt your authority, leverage it, threaten with it, and even use physical force if you want to. A little more comical is the parent-teen that gets into a shouting match, as if the one who shouts the loudest is clearly in charge. That’s really tempting when your teen is either out of control or simply won’t stop talking. The fact is your teen knows when she is out of control and needs your help in hitting the re-set button. And that isn’t likely to happen by placing her in a verbal headlock. In my counseling with couples I warn them against yelling unless the house is on fire, and advise them to drop their weapons of sarcasm, profanity, labeling, and name-calling. For some of you, this calm posture will seem like taking a position of weakness. If so, I have two questions for you: 1) How’s your approach working? 2) Who would you rather get your ticket from?
One of Tennessee’s most published therapists, author Ramon Presson is the founder of LifeChange Counseling & the Marriage Center of Franklin. Visit him at www.LifeChangeCS.org or contact him at ramon@ramonpresson.com (615) 319-6450. Previously published columns may be found at www.rpcolumns.blogspot.com
Saturday, February 21, 2009
For Women Only: 16 Tips to Make Him Smile
I had several ladies thank me for my last column of 16 Tips for Men. Now I’ll turn my attention to the ladies and offer my 16 tips to the wives, culled from the secret thoughts and desires of men everywhere as taken from counseling sessions, disclosures over lunch, and my 48 years of experience as a certified member of the Testosterone Club. Here is your man’s wish list.
The Ladies List
1. Men are performers. Tell him what he does well and what he does that you appreciate. Tell him you’re proud of him. Men are still boys who like to show off and impress a girl like you.
2. Walk up behind him and start massaging his shoulders. While much of his weight may be avalanching to his stomach area, he still carries a lot of weight on his shoulders.
3. Tell your girlfriends more about what he does well and does right; gripe less about his shortcomings. Try bragging about him the way you boast about your kids.
4. Don’t wear baggy sweat pants and a t-shirt on Saturdays any longer than absolutely necessary.
5. Don’t reserve your perfume for special occasions only. He’ll never tire of his favorite fragrance on you.
6. Don’t be afraid of his ideas. He’s not going to sell the house and buy an RV tomorrow. If you repeatedly point out what’s wrong with his ideas or opinions, then he’ll stop sharing either with you. And you’ll wonder why he doesn’t talk.
7. Tell him he’s a good father. He has his doubts, especially when he compares himself to Cliff Huxtable. He fears what his children will someday tell their therapist about him.
8. Don’t reprimand him as though he were a 4th grader. You don’t have to point out and correct all his mistakes as though they were grammatical errors in an English essay.
9. Don’t assume that flavored lip gloss is just for 15 year old girls who giggle a lot. Surprise him with strawberry flavored lips. If kissing you reminds him of candy that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
10. Getting along with his Dad is probably easy. Bonus points for accepting and loving his mother.
11. Tell him that he’s handsome and a great lover. Then watch him fix your breakfast, organize the garage, sell his bass boat, and build a gazebo all before 9A.M.
12. Don’t coach or critique his driving. If you don’t like how fast he drives or how closely he follows the car in front of him close your eyes or take a cab.
13. Tell him that a cluttered garage is a sign of creativity and genius.
14. Don’t ask him to go shopping with you. A man doesn’t “shop”. He’s a hunter. He walks into Home Depot, spots the item he came for, shoots it, bags it, and brings it home, and mounts it.
15. Disregard #14 when it comes to his purchase of a car, truck, lawn mower, or power tools, in which his decision making process will take longer than health care reform. Don’t offer to go with him “car shopping” unless it’s for a mini-van. If indeed the search is for a mini-van don’t bother asking why he looks so depressed.
16. Shock him occasionally with an out-of-the-blue, aggressive, passionate kiss and then casually walk away. He won’t know what hit him. Let him wonder…was that strawberry?
Author, columnist, and marriage therapy specialist, Ramon Presson is the founder of the Marriage Center of Franklin. Visit him at www.MarriageCenterofFranklin.com or contact him at ramon@ramonpresson.com (615) 319-6450. View the prequel to this column, For Men Only: Vital Tips (and previously published columns) at www.rpcolumns.blogspot.com
The Ladies List
1. Men are performers. Tell him what he does well and what he does that you appreciate. Tell him you’re proud of him. Men are still boys who like to show off and impress a girl like you.
2. Walk up behind him and start massaging his shoulders. While much of his weight may be avalanching to his stomach area, he still carries a lot of weight on his shoulders.
3. Tell your girlfriends more about what he does well and does right; gripe less about his shortcomings. Try bragging about him the way you boast about your kids.
4. Don’t wear baggy sweat pants and a t-shirt on Saturdays any longer than absolutely necessary.
5. Don’t reserve your perfume for special occasions only. He’ll never tire of his favorite fragrance on you.
6. Don’t be afraid of his ideas. He’s not going to sell the house and buy an RV tomorrow. If you repeatedly point out what’s wrong with his ideas or opinions, then he’ll stop sharing either with you. And you’ll wonder why he doesn’t talk.
7. Tell him he’s a good father. He has his doubts, especially when he compares himself to Cliff Huxtable. He fears what his children will someday tell their therapist about him.
8. Don’t reprimand him as though he were a 4th grader. You don’t have to point out and correct all his mistakes as though they were grammatical errors in an English essay.
9. Don’t assume that flavored lip gloss is just for 15 year old girls who giggle a lot. Surprise him with strawberry flavored lips. If kissing you reminds him of candy that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
10. Getting along with his Dad is probably easy. Bonus points for accepting and loving his mother.
11. Tell him that he’s handsome and a great lover. Then watch him fix your breakfast, organize the garage, sell his bass boat, and build a gazebo all before 9A.M.
12. Don’t coach or critique his driving. If you don’t like how fast he drives or how closely he follows the car in front of him close your eyes or take a cab.
13. Tell him that a cluttered garage is a sign of creativity and genius.
14. Don’t ask him to go shopping with you. A man doesn’t “shop”. He’s a hunter. He walks into Home Depot, spots the item he came for, shoots it, bags it, and brings it home, and mounts it.
15. Disregard #14 when it comes to his purchase of a car, truck, lawn mower, or power tools, in which his decision making process will take longer than health care reform. Don’t offer to go with him “car shopping” unless it’s for a mini-van. If indeed the search is for a mini-van don’t bother asking why he looks so depressed.
16. Shock him occasionally with an out-of-the-blue, aggressive, passionate kiss and then casually walk away. He won’t know what hit him. Let him wonder…was that strawberry?
Author, columnist, and marriage therapy specialist, Ramon Presson is the founder of the Marriage Center of Franklin. Visit him at www.MarriageCenterofFranklin.com or contact him at ramon@ramonpresson.com (615) 319-6450. View the prequel to this column, For Men Only: Vital Tips (and previously published columns) at www.rpcolumns.blogspot.com
Monday, February 16, 2009
For Men Only: Vital Info
Sharon Randall, a journalist, sifted through decades of her own marriage experience, old columns, and letters from readers to compile “25 Tips on How to Stay Married” as a wedding gift for her young friend, Steve.
I’ve selected some from Sharon’s list and added many of my own based on what women tell me. Men, you aren’t expected to memorize all these plays so do what quarterbacks do--laminate the list to your forearm. Ladies, in case your man doesn’t find this column on his own, feel free to tape it (with your lipstick kiss imprint on it) to the mirror. (In my next column I’ll share my 16 tips with the wives, culled from the secret wishes and desires of men everywhere.)
The MAN List
1. Always put her first—before work, friends, even basketball. Act as if she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you, because we all know she is.
2. Pick your fights with care. Play fair. Show some class. Hurtful words can be forgiven, but they’re hard to forget.
3. Fall in love again every day. Kiss her in doorways. Flirt with her at parties. Tell her she’s beautiful. Then tell her again.
4. Never miss an anniversary or a birthday or a chance to make a memory. Memories may not seem important now, but one day they’ll be gold.
5. Never give her a practical gift. If she really wants a vacuum cleaner, let her pick it out herself. Watch this funny piece entitled Men in the Dog House www.youtube.com/watch?v=SecVCh9dg4I
6. Love her parents as your own, but don’t ask them for money. Never criticize her family or friends. On her birthday, send flowers with a note to her mother saying, “Thank you for giving birth to the love of my life.”
7. Always listen to her heart. If you’re wrong, say you’re sorry; if you’re right, shut up.
8. Never criticize, correct, or interrupt her in public.
9. Remember that people are often the least lovable when they are in the most need of love.
10. Examine your relationship as often as you change the oil in your car. Don’t let it run low on anything or let anything go unrepaired. A relationship is not a cactus you can put near a window and forget about; it must be nurtured.
11. Don’t raise your voice unless you are on fire. Try whispering when you argue. Just try it.
12. Kiss her at least 10 seconds a day—all at once or spread out.
13. Shampoo her hair or massage her feet. She will tell all her friends about it and their husbands will hate you.
14. Honor and affirm her publicly and in social gatherings. Playful put-downs are still put-downs.
15. Don’t wait for Hallmark to tell you when to buy fresh cut flowers. A $3.99 bouquet from Kroger’s presented at random during the year will score you big points.
16. Admit to her that you’re baffled by her expressed need for “romance” because you’re not exactly sure what that is. She’s told you that romance is not the same thing as sex or the prelude to sex so now you’re really confused.
I’ve selected some from Sharon’s list and added many of my own based on what women tell me. Men, you aren’t expected to memorize all these plays so do what quarterbacks do--laminate the list to your forearm. Ladies, in case your man doesn’t find this column on his own, feel free to tape it (with your lipstick kiss imprint on it) to the mirror. (In my next column I’ll share my 16 tips with the wives, culled from the secret wishes and desires of men everywhere.)
The MAN List
1. Always put her first—before work, friends, even basketball. Act as if she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you, because we all know she is.
2. Pick your fights with care. Play fair. Show some class. Hurtful words can be forgiven, but they’re hard to forget.
3. Fall in love again every day. Kiss her in doorways. Flirt with her at parties. Tell her she’s beautiful. Then tell her again.
4. Never miss an anniversary or a birthday or a chance to make a memory. Memories may not seem important now, but one day they’ll be gold.
5. Never give her a practical gift. If she really wants a vacuum cleaner, let her pick it out herself. Watch this funny piece entitled Men in the Dog House www.youtube.com/watch?v=SecVCh9dg4I
6. Love her parents as your own, but don’t ask them for money. Never criticize her family or friends. On her birthday, send flowers with a note to her mother saying, “Thank you for giving birth to the love of my life.”
7. Always listen to her heart. If you’re wrong, say you’re sorry; if you’re right, shut up.
8. Never criticize, correct, or interrupt her in public.
9. Remember that people are often the least lovable when they are in the most need of love.
10. Examine your relationship as often as you change the oil in your car. Don’t let it run low on anything or let anything go unrepaired. A relationship is not a cactus you can put near a window and forget about; it must be nurtured.
11. Don’t raise your voice unless you are on fire. Try whispering when you argue. Just try it.
12. Kiss her at least 10 seconds a day—all at once or spread out.
13. Shampoo her hair or massage her feet. She will tell all her friends about it and their husbands will hate you.
14. Honor and affirm her publicly and in social gatherings. Playful put-downs are still put-downs.
15. Don’t wait for Hallmark to tell you when to buy fresh cut flowers. A $3.99 bouquet from Kroger’s presented at random during the year will score you big points.
16. Admit to her that you’re baffled by her expressed need for “romance” because you’re not exactly sure what that is. She’s told you that romance is not the same thing as sex or the prelude to sex so now you’re really confused.
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