Ten Commandments for Zoo Keepers Part 1

Have you lost your mind?
(No, the child is just brain damaged.)

How many times have I told you that homework comes before PlayStation?
(It doesn’t matter; your child is deaf.)

How could you not see these clothes all over the floor?
(It’s a common problem associated with total blindness.)

Did you not take into account how your sister might feel about that?
(You are kidding, right?)


If you are the parent of a teenager, my heart goes out to you. If you are currently parenting two or more teenagers you have our sympathy and our prayers, although what you’d probably find more helpful is a one-way ticket to Cozumel. Dr. Michael Bradley, author of Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy! reviews the scientific research on the developmental changes in the adolescent brain and confirms the suspicion you’ve had for years: Yes, your teen is nuts! More accurately, your teen monster is temporarily brain-damaged. Yes, temporarily brain-damaged. There are profound and numerous implications of that neurological fact, and Bradley explores those in practical and humorous ways in a very user-friendly book.

Dr. Bradley offers 10 Commandments for Zoo Keepers… I mean, Parents of Teens. The author encourages parents to remember that learning any new skill (sport, hobby, musical instrument, etc.) is a process of practice, evaluation, correction, and more practice.

1. Thou Shalt Be as the Dispassionate Cop

There are two kinds of cops who issue tickets for speeding or running stop signs. The first is angry, sarcastic, and bullying, is open to no explanations or discussion. Writes the ticket and almost dares you to protest lest you suddenly find yourself an unfortunate character in a Stephen King story. The second cop is respectful, calm, and seems almost sympathetic. You still receive a ticket and fine but he doesn’t seem to delight in it the way Robo- cop does.
What’s your focus in the episode with the first cop? His behavior. Your crime was exceeding 35mph but now you are plotting murder because of how you were treated. The calmer cop’s behavior prompts you to focus more on your driving behavior.
It is unrealistic that you are going to be an emotionless Spock in the midst of a tussle with a belligerent or furious teen, but how often have you heard yourself yell, “Don’t raise your voice at me, young man!” Oh, the irony. And here’s the other shoe: we often expect a greater degree of emotional maturity and self-control from a child or adolescent than we require from ourselves. I’ve often caught myself in my 40’s acting like a child while insisting that my pre-teen or teen behave like a seasoned adult.

I Can Out-Shout You
Like the first cop, you can flaunt your authority, leverage it, threaten with it, and even use physical force if you want to. A little more comical is the parent-teen that gets into a shouting match, as if the one who shouts the loudest is clearly in charge. That’s really tempting when your teen is either out of control or simply won’t stop talking. The fact is your teen knows when she is out of control and needs your help in hitting the re-set button. And that isn’t likely to happen by placing her in a verbal headlock. In my counseling with couples I warn them against yelling unless the house is on fire, and advise them to drop their weapons of sarcasm, profanity, labeling, and name-calling. For some of you, this calm posture will seem like taking a position of weakness. If so, I have two questions for you: 1) How’s your approach working? 2) Who would you rather get your ticket from?

One of Tennessee’s most published therapists, author Ramon Presson is the founder of LifeChange Counseling & the Marriage Center of Franklin. Visit him at www.LifeChangeCS.org or contact him at ramon@ramonpresson.com (615) 319-6450. Previously published columns may be found at www.rpcolumns.blogspot.com